Literal Albatross: A Thing by Doug Driesel Jr.

Yesterday was Memorial Day, and since I am an American with a pool and the day off, I invited some people over. And, because I’m a person who is a bummer to be around and also notoriously not good at entertaining, only two people showed up, and they only stayed for an hour.

What I’m trying to say is that I had a lot of time and food to kill. So, I attempted to fill a glaring omission in my film knowledge and watch a few Connery Bond movies (I’ve only seen two Bond movies before this: The terrible one with Terri Hatcher and the hopefully as good as I remember “For Your Eyes Only.”)

On a slight side note, if you don’t follow me on Twitter, it’s weird that you follow my Tumblr, but let’s set that aside for succinctness. If you DO, you’d know that I do a thing called “Movie Reviews That Miss The Point,” where I watch a movie and, well, I HOPE that it is fairly self-explanatory.

Now, sometimes, I’ll write one at the beginning, sometimes I’ll wait to the end. Yesterday, the last of the three Bond movies I saw was the longest movie ever made, “Thunderball.” This was an instance where I essentially live tweeted it, then picked the best one (Which turned out to be “Hey, Ricky Jay’s on The Simpsons! I might have fallen asleep and have just woken up.”

I, however, being the person that wrote them, think the others are pretty funny/apt, so here they are:

#Thunderball Pft. Nice rear-screen projection. Pft. Double nice jet pack. #MovieReviewsThatMissThePoint

#Thunderball I bet Wal-Mart has had WAY more evil board meetings than that. #MovieReviewsThatMissThePoint

#Thunderball Wow, how’d they make it look like there were two of that pilot? #MovieReviewsThatMissThePoint

#Thunderball Yer dick’s gonna get yah killed, brah. #MovieReviewsThatMissThePoint

#Thunderball Ew. Did he just put on that jacket without a shirt? #MovieReviewsThatMissThePoint

#Thunderball How long was this movie? A million, billion hours? #MovieReviewsThatMissThePoint

#Thunderball Why does everyone care so much about Vargas? #MovieReviewsThatMissThePoint

#Thunderball Vast portions of this movie are silent and underwater. #MovieReviewsThatMissThePoint

I am currently archiving my weekly written podcast on my Tumblr page.  If you like it, click here to subscribe.  The following is from March 8th, 2012.

¡Phew! It. Is. Hot. In. Here. Crack open a window if you don’t mind. That. Is. Better. Oh, no! Did you leave the days of the week’s cage open? Now they’re all flying out of the window. And you know what happens when Thursday flies out the window. It’s time for another one of these stupid things.

And, by the way, if you’re the kind of deity that would be able to keep the days of the week in a cage with a little perch and mirror, don’t put them all in one cage. That’s just cruel. Everyone knows days of the week need their own space. And don’t forget to change their newspaper!

I didn’t mean to yell. It’s just that days of the week are important, and it pains me to see them mistreated like so many Sarah McLachlan commercials during a day-time rerun of The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. There are only three commercial breaks in The Daily Show with Jon Stewart, and those commercials manage to be played six times during an airing.

Did you know they have another commercial that DOESN’T have Sarah McLachlan!? Yeah, it’s just some other chick. But I’ve only seen it once. It’s like the Sasquatch of dog abuse commercials.

I also video taped it. Sure, it was on an old, ’50s camera, it was blurry and the commercial just kind of lumbers across frame and doesn’t do much, but it was another commercial, I swears it!

That’s how you can tell I’m full of crap and a little crazy. When I scream the plurals of words that should not be pluralized, I’m either crazy or an old, prospector.

Probably both.

Look, all I know is that there is gold in those hills, and you simply cannot have it. It is all mine. I have my claim staked with the zoning board. All the “i”s have been dotted  and the “t”s have been crossed. So, the only way you are going to get that gold is if you kill me and steal the deed from my dead hand, which would be easy. Especially after you killed me. Now, who would shoot me in my back? That is just RUDE!

Just kidding, everybody. I don’t want a War of the Worlds situation on our hands. I was NOT shot in my back. It was all an amusing little playlet. And SCENE.

You can’t see it, but I just bowed slightly. Away from you. With no pants on. NOW IT’S ALL YOU CAN SEE!

I guess what I’m saying here is ancient gods who are not being worshipped anymore and dumb, old west prospectors alike need to just chill out. Crack open a beer. Sit on your rickety chair or throne made of dragon skulls and watch the sunset (and/or watch your big shot brother drag the sun into the ocean). THEN go back to turning into a cow to have sex with women or ranting about gold being in hills (which it most certainly is NOT).

Anyway…Where was I? Oh, yes. In my home. Sitting on my floor. Bhagavad Gita by my side. I use it as a coaster, not enlightenment, by the way. I prefer an unexamined life. I don’t think I’m alone in that.

I assume we’ve all passed a somewhat well-dressed young man while walking down the street. And I go further on to assume that this young man attempted to give you a brochure that he, through a smile that becomes more and more creepy as you stare at it, tells you will probably give you eternal peace. And, knowing you as I do, I assume that you scoffed, then hustled your way to Forever 21 to buy that cute skirt you’d had your eye on.

So, yeah, let’s all drink to the unexamined life. It’ll be easy for me. My drink is right here on the Bhagavad Gita. Which is good, because it’s so hot in here, my drink is one giant water ring. Thanks, Krishna!

I am currently archiving my weekly written podcast on my Tumblr page.  If you like it, click here to subscribe.  The following is from March 1st, 2012.

I don’t care if Monday’s blue, Tuesday’s gray and Wednesday, too. Thursday’s ending and Friday brings another one of these stupid things.

And I start this stupid thing by fretting over another grammar faux pas.  Should I have spelled it ‘grey’ or ‘gray?’ I’m American, but the band I am quoting (The Cure, thank you very much) is English. What to do, what to do.  LOVECATS!

And those are the two Cure songs I know. End of story!

Post Script: As I write this I’m on a Los Angeles bus, rapidly switching seats to avoid the crazy, lightsabre-wielding homeless man who keeps moving into my area of the bus.

Maybe I’m being a bit presumptuous.  I should trust the best in people. I’m rapidly switching seats to avoid this crazy, lightsabre-wielding Jedi who keeps moving into my area of the bus.

However, as you read this, assuming you open it right away, and why the heck wouldn’t you, I will be driving from Missouri to California, traveling across this great land of ours. But enough pandering to lands (they’re not so great, I’m more of a sky man myself), let’s talk about sex, ba-by. But let’s not continue on into talking about you and me. That would be taking things a bit far.

I mean, what do you and I really have in common? Other than that we’re both reading this stupid thing? That’s right. I read it, too. And let me apologize. These. Are. Awful.

Ugh. I just go on and on and on. And on. And on. And I don’t know when to stop. And on.

I’m going to leave most of the links off this one.  Mostly because I’m trying to get this stupid thing done before I leave, but mostly because you don’t click on them anyway.  That’s TWO, count them, TWO ‘mostly’s!  I don’t know how to estimate AT. ALL. 

I will tell you that Friday night will be another awesome night at Magicopolis at 10pm.  Alex Mesrobian, Scott Bowser and Amy Buchwald will be there.  That should be awesome!  Comedy, Magic and Drinking!?!  I won’t be there, though.  All the more reason for you to come out!  1418 4th St. Santa Monica, CA 90401. 10pm. 

Additionally, I will be at The Ed Galvez Punk House on Wednesday the 7th at 9pm!  Really?  Can life get any better?  Of course it can.  What are you, an idiot?  Can you not see the price of gas?  Because if not, you should stop driving.  It’s at M.I.’s Westside Comedy Theater, 1323-A 3rd St. Promenade in Santa Monica. Same zip code, dummy. 

Also, don’t forget to check out the latest in Canadian news atCanada Action News!

And on.

I am currently archiving my weekly written podcast on my Tumblr page.  If you like it, click here to subscribe.  The following is from Feb. 23rd, 2012.

Just as many generations of classic rock fans (all the way back to when it was just called “rock”) have wondered who this ‘Bruce’ about whom The Electric Light Orchestra is singing, so ends another Thursday. And, as usual, it means it’s time for another one of these stupid things.
 
Seriously, though, Jeff Lynne, the hell? Just bringing up this ‘Bruce’ fella without explaining him? And come to think of it, where is Travelling Wilburys Vol. 2? Eschewing conventional album numbering systems that have been in place for years may gain you points with your hippy, counter-culture friends, but it will do you no good here, Sir!
 
It’s at this point that I realize I’ve completely lost my non-musically inclined readers. The first thing I’ll say is you should go look up everything I’ve said if you want to understand how amusing that was. And if you guessed “somewhat,” congratulations, you don’t have to wade through forty years of classic rock continuity on your bus ride.  You hit the nail on the head with your first guess. And double kudos for figuring out a pattern with these little tête à têtes we have every week.
 
The second thing I’ll say is that it’s a leap year. You have an extra day to pay rent! So, bust your ass at the restaurant, maybe you’ll make the one hundred and twenty dollars you’re short this month. But probably not. It is LBGT month in England, after all.
 
I know, that logic doesn’t really track. I just found out about the LBGT month thing today and wanted to shoehorn that into the conversation to look worldly. I now realize that by pointing this out, I reveal my ugly Americanness, which apparently, according to my spellcheck, is not a word. So, way to go America, Microsoft Word refuses to let you have an essence.
 
Seriously, though. Jeff Lynne is awesome. If you’re reading this, Jeff, way to go on Life. You’re spinning the high numbers and chosen college instead of going directly into the work force. Now you’re having a kid and I have to give you money? You’re my enemy in this game! Why am I giving you money for a stupid kid that, by the way, we’re all forced to have once we reached that space on the board.
 
What? Not big board game players? Fine. Moving on, here are the plugs and links:
 
This Friday, Ed Galvez, Jay Smith and Amy Raugust are going to be at Magic After Dark at Magicopolis. I will not be there this week, but you should be! Friday at ten of the clock, post meridiem.
 
Aren’t you curious what is happening in Canada this week? If you were following Canadian Action News on Twitter, then you wouldn’t be. A choice news article for the week: ”Breaking News: Parliament just passed the “We’re pretty much European, anyway” Act of 2012!”
 
Speaking of following things on Twitter, why aren’t you following this thing. And by thing I mean me? I don’t know, you guys. I think I’m pretty funny.http://www.twitter.com/dougdrieseljr
 
 
And here are the video links for the day. And yes, I bolded that in an effort to pretend you care about the video links. But I have a report about what links are clicked and which are not, and you guys are falling short on the link clicking. Anyway, here are those video links (ooh, I did it again):
 
Clan of the Red Wolfepisode two, with a tasty Gremlinsreference in the middle, there:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y5IzE5rm0W4
 
While we’re on the subject of Clans and Red Wolves, here’s the very first short that started that whole ball rolling:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Kp9Ja02PILU&list=UUagRQOb-RfWFh6CpBBA4oSA&index=10&feature=plcp
 
This one might get a bit tedious, but before I was animating with Clan of the Red Wolf, I was puppetizing with The Smithey Cohen Show. I admit, it I had a lot to learn at that point, but some of the bits were VERY solid:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bfBrkdWEagY
 
Finally, here are the links to stuff you can buy:
 
Hows about a link to my debut comedy album?
http://itunes.apple.com/us/album/my-name-is-dave/id355981088
 
And, finally, another Rifftrax short I did entitled “Don’t Touch.” It was my first solo short!
http://www.rifftrax.com/iriffs/big-bunch-doug-shorts-dont-touch
 
Seriously, guys. Electric Light Orchestra is amazing. Listen toOut of the Blue or A New World Record. Nothing funny here. Just a plea for you listening to good music for a change.

punkhouse:

Matt balaker (Late Night W/ Conan Obrien)
Maria Shehata (Showtime)
John Vargas (World Series Of Comedy)
Geoff Brousseau (Seattle Comedy Competition)
Luisa Omielan (Edinburgh comedy festival)
Elizabeth Klingele (The Improv)
Doug Driesel Jr (Clan of The Red Wolf)
Ed Galvez (Fort Podcast)

Host: Grant Lyon (Bridgetown Comedy Festival )

I’m on this!

(via edgalvez)

People are funny. Not Rita Rudner funny. But weird funny. So, yes, I guess “Rita Rudner funny.” Sometimes they’ll zig when you think they’ll zag. And when you think they’ll zig, they’ll skip the whole thing all together and go to Bed, Bath and Beyond with Greg, whom they’ve only known for three days! What can they possibly be buying together? Matching ‘his’ and ‘hers’ “I don’t know you very well” towels? Because I don’t think Bed, Bath and Beyond sells that!

Maybe those people should try CB2. I have no idea what that store sells. I assume they’re the updated “hip” version of Crate & Barrel, but I didn’t know what THEY sold, either. So, I suppose we’re at a stand-still, these not-that-funny people and I. They want to zig, I want to zag, and Zach Morris wants to call a time out. And there’s nothing we can do to stop him, HE’S GOT SUPERNATURAL POWERS!

I am a stressed out individual. All the time with the worry and disappointment. I’m a youngish man. I should learn how to relax. The last two sentences were told to me by a Jewish retiree, but I think they ring true. And to that end I would very much like to try a sensory deprivation tank, and that ain’t no joke.

But, I’m also a large man. If I were to try one, I’m sure all 6’8” of me crammed into a ’60s Futurama (it was a thing before the TV show. Learn about design!) egg would not be the most comfortable way to let my mind wander. So, maybe a giant coffin filled with water—Ah! Sorry. I just freaked myself out. Okay, not a coffin. But a bigger box. And since I’m also somewhat claustrophobic, maybe is should be a box that I can sit up in, if I get too anxious. And room to roll around if I need to. That’s important.

What’s more, I have tinnitus, so silence is my sworn enemy. Silence killed my sidekick and it will pay!!! So, I need to put something in there that will make noise. My first instinct would be a fan, because that’s what I use at home, but in such a confined place, I’m worried I’d hit my head on it (remember, I am quite tall). How about a radio? That’s be good. Something I could play just loud enough to drown out the ringing.

You know, going back to the fan idea, it wouldn’t be so bad to have something that would cool me down. My heaving breathe would just build up in there, so I’d need an air conditioner.

Hmmm…You know, now that I’m thinking about it, I’m not all that crazy about the whole “water” thing. Let’s take out the water. I’d be MUCH more comfortable in a leather chair. So, we’ll need to raise the ceiling a skosh.

Aw, hell. Let’s throw three more chairs in there for my buddies. They need to relax, too. We can get in touch with our inner-oneness together.

This all sounds great, but my big worry about a sensory deprivation tank is what happened to Homer in The Simpsons. Remember when they repossessed the tank he was in, and Flanders ended up burying him? So, let’s put some windows in there so that we can see if something’s coming.

…shit. I think…yeah. Throw some wheels on there and I’m talking about a car. And that’s the OPPOSITE of relaxing.

A Confusion Over Latin Abbreviations

And now Thursday has ended. Cheers and The Cosby Show have nestled you in their arms, ever-so-closely to sleep. Soon it it will be time for ABC’s TGIF line-up, and even sooner, i.e. now, it will be time for another one of these stupid things.

I begin today’s newsletter on a sad note: I’m not sure I used ‘i.e.’ right up there. I used to know the difference between ‘i.e.’ and ‘e.g.’ but that knowledge has since escaped me. Now, the only thing I’m left with is the awareness that ‘e.g.’ means ‘ergo.’ I think ‘i.e.’ means ‘example.’ Alas, this is one of life’s great mysteries that we shall never solve. C’est la vie, pardon my French.

While I’m on the touchy subject of the English language, I’ve been having a problem with saying the word ‘espresso.’ I seem to be pronouncing it with an ‘x’ like some common DMV worker. Needless to say I must rectify this situation at once. I am, as I type this, also online looking up diction boot camps where they’ll beat the letter ‘x’ out of my brain. Probably with whips. That’s what boot camps are, right? Where they whip you over and over again until you can’t say a certain letter? Only in my dreams, ladies and gentlemen.

Many a long summer’s day did I sit on my porch in the wiles of Missouri, being eaten alive by the multiple, vast and oh-so-many insects that buzz around that part of the world, and look out on the Ozark Mountains and think, “Oh, how I would love to be strung up in the middle of a public square, my hands bound to a post, and then be whipped, repeatedly, over the back until I lose my ability to speak words properly.” But then again, what boy didn’t? Am I right?

You know what I’m most definitely right about? Magic After Dark, it’s a little comedy and magic show I do every Friday, MAYBE YOU’VE HEARD OF IT, is going to be an awesome one this week. Myself, Amy Buchwald, Geoff Brousseau and Meghan Parks, along with some magicians that will rock your freaking socks off! Which ones? The same two that are always there, and another guy who’s name I don’t know. Sounds exciting, right? Hey, they’re magicians! They are interchangeable as an act and as human beings! Get off my back!

Look, let’s not fight, alright. I’m sorry I flew off the handle. But you can’t say that you didn’t deserve it a little bit. Okay, what stuff do we have here this evening? How about some videos?

This first one’s an internet commercial I created for my old work, Zeke’s Smokehouse. The music is mixed a little high, but it’s the one commercial I didn’t edit. It stars Ed Galvez and Sean Hart.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IhIZbBV-Bqs

Hey, how about another one of those commercials? This one stars Max Goldberg, Tia Ayers and Fred Frazier.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OmGobliNEdE

This last video is actually split into three parts. Ed Galvez, Tia Ayers (Remember those names from above? You should. If not, you might be going senile) and myself went on a little tour and filmed a lot of it. Here is the resulting video. (There were some parts I wish I could go back and cut out, but mostly great).

http://www.facebook.com/v/1154713145428

http://www.facebook.com/v/1154862229155

http://www.facebook.com/v/1154879789594

Oh, and have you been keeping up with Canadian News? You should. It’s fun and easy. Just follow http://twitter.com/CAActionNews

And final plug this week is for a few Rifftrax videos I did. The first one’s a short called “Goldilocks and the Three Bears.” Guess what it’s about. Go on, GUESS! The second is a travelog. That’s exciting, right? And the third one is about a good cop.

http://www.rifftrax.com/iriffs/big-bunch-doug-shorts-goldilocks-and-three-bears-0

http://www.rifftrax.com/iriffs/big-bunch-doug-shorts-roads-romance

http://www.rifftrax.com/iriffs/big-bunch-doug-shorts-omaras-chain-miracle

Alright. Now, you go out there and pretend we didn’t have that fight earlier. Or. I. Will. Find. You.