Literal Albatross: A Thing by Doug Driesel Jr.

I am currently archiving my weekly written podcast on my Tumblr page.  If you like it, click here to subscribe.  The following is from April 4th, 2012.

Ding dong, the Thursday’s dead.  Which Thursday?   This Thursday.  And as the maniacal cackling of this this Thursday dies down into a pile of fetid goo, so is it now time for the fetid goo that is one of these stupid things.

Ah, The Wizard of Oz.  I found myself talking about that horrible, boring movie last night.  The person to whom I was speaking claimed that The Wizard of Oz transcends the concepts of “good” and “not a very good movie at all.”  That person is a dumb dumb.  But she was cute, so I smiled and nodded, tacitly agreeing with the stupid things that she said about this dumb children’s movie that does not hold up to the test of time.

First of all, nobody farms dust anymore. The bottom fell out of that when the second Great War started. There aren’t that many modern families sitting around pining for the days when you could get free-range dust. Though, I do think they talked about that on THE Modern Family one time, but I wasn’t really listening. It’s a stupid show, but I was with a cute lady, and I believe I made my stance on accepting dumb things because of pretty lady adjacentness.

The second reason this classic piece of American cinema is the worst: Singing! Ugh. Singing in a movie is the absolute wit’s end. I already barely care about this…I don’t know…rec center you need to save or whatever, now I’ve got to sit through this five minute thing? If your songs aren’t about sadistic dentists or the sugar content of transvestites, or, at the VERY least, sung by Jim Belushi, then I just have no use for your spontaneous outburst of human emotion.

Don’t EVEN get me started on Glee. Really. Don’t. I don’t have anything to say about it. Other than “Nope.” Cop Rock? Okay, maybe Cop Rock. But it’s got the camp, ba-bee!

The third reason I want to shove this dumb movie into the dirt and call it a ‘mama’s boy?’ It’s one of the main reasons we have Liza Manelli. Has there ever been on this planet a more tedious person?! Of course there has. In the course of human history, there have been PLENTY of people more tedious than her. What’s the most tedious thing she’s done? Married a bunch of gay dudes? No, the reason I yell/asked that thing about tedium is to give me an excuse to use the interrobang, my absolute favorite punctuation.
 
Note that I left on the ‘e’ up there, so you know that it is not my vodka favorite punctuation.  It is not my Smirnoff punctuation.  It is not my Svedka punctuation (the best punctuation of 2033).  Nor is it my Absolut favorit.  I figure if you’re leaving one ‘e’ off, you might as well leave them both!  I think I might be getting a little agitated by all this vodka talk!  Am I getting off track?!  Ah, another interrobang.  That’s calmed me down considerably. Back to the dumbest movie ever made, The Stupid Wizard of Dumb Oz.
 
What I’m saying is that The Wizard of Oz is a boring movie for stupid people, and instead of showing it back to back to back to back on TNT (they know drama) once a year, every year, we should just project it on the interior wall of the gayest club in every city.  That way, when you’re going out to the bars for a night out with your friends, you don’t sit around wandering where all the women are.  You have a nice, clear indication as to why there are no women.  Then, there is no mistake with an extremely effeminate man called “Kelly.”  No matter how insistent he is that he is more woman than I…er…you can handle.
 
I fear I’ve revealed too much.  Absolutly too much.  I believe that was our choice of drink for that night.  The Absolut Lee 2Much.  Drinks have weird names these days.  Last night I had a “Long Island Arnold Palmer,” which was a Mike’s Hard Lemonade and lots of whiskey.  It was mostly whiskey.  Look, cards on the table, I found an empty, dirty Mike’s Hard Lemonade bottle outside of a sorority, filled it with whiskey and drank out of it all night.  I don’t judge you and the stupid things you do in your free time.
 
And I could, you know.  I could totally judge you on the stupid things you do.  Remember that time you got halfway to work before you realized you forgot your wallet?  I don’t judge you for that stupid action.  Nor for that time you thought you were pregnant for a week, when it turns out you were just anorexic which caused the false positives.  No, I’m not judging you for that stupid action.  Nor am I going to judge you for that wasted afternoon you spent trying to sync up The Dark Side of the Moon with The Wizard of Oz.  You have to start the record RIGHT as the third lion roar starts, dumby.
 
 Did I mention that the Magicopolis show every Friday night has now been cancelled for every Friday night?  What a stupid question I just asked myself.  I can go back up and read about whether or not I talked about that.  We were bringing in a good audience, but they wanted the place to stay “magic only,” which might be the saddest persecution of which I’ve ever heard in my entire life.
 
Alright.  Links. 
 
I’m still promoting Clan of the Red Wolf.  http://youtube.com/user/BrilliantTwerkProd is the link.  Click on it.  Watch the cartoon.  The next one will be up next week. 
 
Finally, here’s a sketch I forgot I recorded a video for. The sound’s not great, and everyone keeps forgetting their lines, but it’s still quite funny. Clicky click here.
 
Now, it’s off to my dust farm.  I threw you a curveball there,  didn’t I?

THE NEXT DAY

HA HA OOPS

Holy cats, you guys! Now, I don’t know if you noticed this or not, but this week’s stupid thing came out yesterday instead of today. Let me explain: I am a stupid dumb dumb.

I climbed the mountain of idiocy, up the rocky slopes of stupidity, nearly fell down the Crevice of Reality Television, and right to Dumbass Peak, where The Great Gazoo popped up and called me a dumb dumb. But, really, he’s the dumb dumb. You know he’s on Earth because he was exiled for creating a weapon of mass destruction, right? We KNOW his planet has a WMD, but we’re not invading them! What gives, topical joke from 2005!?

Interrobang! Did I ever end up explaining what that is? It’s a question mark and an exclamation point put next to each other. The real name for the question mark is an interrogative point and in printer’s jargon, the exclamation point is called the “bang.” Hence interrobang.

Hey, I entertained you yesterday! Info can be fun, too. Info is short for “information,” FYI. And FYI is short for “for your info (with info still meaning “information”).”

Anyway, anywho, anywhere, anywhat, anywhy, anywhen. I guess I’ll let you guys go. Sorry about the mix-up yesterday. The whole thing about the mountain is still in effect.

Like Salt ‘n’ Peppa. Who are here and in effect.  It’s time to push it, jack. Or jill, for that matter. Why isn’t that a thing? “That’s a fact, Jill!” Oh. I answered my own question. If it doesn’t rhyme, it’s not worth my time, as my grandpa always used to say.

Have I mentioned that my grandpa was Nipsy Russell? Yep. He was an okay grandpa. I really liked grandpa Charles Nelson Reilly better. He and grandmas Fannie Flagg and Richard Dawson. Are we all on board, here? I think The Match Gamepanel are my grandparents? And also that I think that Richard Dawson is a woman?

And. That. Is. The. End. Of. That. Bit. Goodnight.