I am currently archiving my weekly written podcast on my Tumblr page. If you like it, click here to subscribe. The following is from March 29th, 2012.
The Fourth Estate has begun its inevitable wane, spiraling down to the apathy of American pop culture. And so goes the fourth day of the week. And I think you know what that means? You don’t? Oh, well it’s another one of these stupid things, dumb dumb.
I kind of depressed myself in the intro, there. But, thus are the way things go. Life’s not just a bunch of jokes, everybody. There’s serious stuff going on in the world. Like that guy who slipped on the banana peel while holding a big tray of pies. Okay. That might not have been the best example. I should have gone with genocide or something. But that’s depressing.
Great! Now all I can think about is pie genocide. Gasp! I’m the Pol Pot of Pies! Pol Pot Pies! When you your pies step out of the pre-decided lines of pot pies, you buy a Pol Pot Pie. Look, I’m a product of the American education system. I don’t know who Pol Pot was genetically cleansing. Or even what country he was in (“in which he lived,” forgive me). Foreign geography and general knowledge is not my particular ‘bag’ (stupid hippies read this, right?). I’m not Captain BBC News. That’s some guy in Cardiff. I know, you’d think it would be an Englishman, or at LEAST a Yorkshireman. But, no. It’s a Welshmen. Don’t tell The Queen.
Is she still alive? Or is she dead? Or, gasp! Is she Undead? No. No, I guess that wouldn’t make any sense. She’s probably still alive. Though, wouldn’t it be a better world if she were dead, and Charles was using her as a human puppet like so many Jonathon Silvermen? Just to avoid the responsibility of being a King? The answer is yes. Don’t question me. I’m like The Queen of these stupid one-sided conversations we have. And I want to eat your brains. See, unlike the real Queen, I ama zombie. You didn’t see that coming, did you?
To change gears for a minute, I need to press down on the clutch. Having done so, I’d like to talk to you about The Garbage Pail Kids Movie. We all know it happened and none of us are happy about it. I have the studies right here. Let’s see, “…100% of everybody has seen The Garbage Pail Kids Movie and think that it is stupid.” Maybe I should have actually read this before I cited it as a source. That sounds like a pretty subjective study. “…Study conducted by the Institute for Poo-Poo Butt Farts.” Huh. Hold on. I’m going to call this institute and find out what they have to say about this.
Beep boop-boop boop-boop beep-boop. It’s ringing. Yes, hello, my name is Doug—Now, I was talking—It is rude to continually interrupt—no YOU hang up and try your call again! Click. So, The Institute for Poo-Poo and Butt Farts does not exist. But that’s not going to stop me from talking about this stupid movie based on dumb sticker cards full of gross puns and insipid songs about working together, that, apparently, everyone knows about (source unverified). I say we remake The Garbage Pail Kids Movie, only we do it RIGHT this time.
Who’s we? Oh, I don’t know, maybe you and me and that guy (he can hold the boom mic). Come on, it’ll be great. First off, less songs. Done and done. It’s not the year of our Lord nineteen hundred and eighty-seven anymore. Songs don’t cut the mustard. I’m assuming that saying is referring to mustard greens and not actual mustard. You can’t cut a liquid, folks. No matter how much I want to. Okay, so non-newtonian fluid. But, other than that, there is not to be any liquid cutting.
What’s the plot of this movie is a question you might have. And answer I will give. Here is the plot, broken down into its simplest possible terms, by IMDb user Volker Boehm: “Seven disgusting kids but nevertheless of interesting personality are being made of the green mud coming out of garbage can. Once alive their master gives them rules to obey although they think that life is funnier without following stupid regulations like no television or no candy. Naturally this will cause some conflicts.” See? It couldn’t be simpler.
I’m envisioning Prometheus, only those pod-urn things that aretotally not Alien eggs (eye roll) are garbage pails (which people still use, go with me on this). And when they open up in front of the giant stone coin-head of Vendo-Matt, a bunch of gross children that kind of look like Cabbage Patch Kids crawl out, covered in snot and vomit and sometimes toilet water. Then, it’s a bunch of whiney space marines and the guy from Mad About You versus these gross children in a derelict space mining colony.
That’s right. I’m calling it right now. Prometheus will have the exact same plot as Aliens. Take that to the bank and fill out a deposit slip for it. For exactly $15, because that’s how much a ticket to see Prometheus in 3D at the Arclight will be. But go to the one in Hollywood. The one in Sherman Oaks is a joke. That’s why they built it there. It rhymes.
I’m done talking about that stupid eighties movie and I’m done talking to you. Especially if you’re Bill Pullman. Pull yourself together, man. You’re supposed to be a space marine! Yes, I know it was Bill Paxton. That was a joke. Do you not understand what I’m doing here?!
Actually, what am I doing here? Oh, yes. Promoting my stupid endevours. First off, we have a lovely show for you tomorrow night. Comedy. Magic. Drinking. You know the drill. Magic After Dark at Magicopolis in Santa Monica. Comedy from Emily Maya Mills, Ben Covette and Johnny Doom. Magic from Michael Vile and Chad Nelson. Also? Atticus Ingelbert’s Ironic Hipster Freakshow! That sounds fun, right?
Then Tuesday I’ll be at Vibe Hotel in Hollywood. If you’ve ever wanted to see people make pop culture references to those who barely speak English, then come to this hostel show. So, probably don’t come to this one.
Wednesday, I’ll be performing at the Next Stage in Hollywood. That’s going to be a good show. It’s called Pizza Party with Matty Cardarople. Lot’s of great people will be there. Well, great comics. They’re all terrible people. Haven’t you met a comic?
Hmm, I guess some links are in order.
First of all, I’ve signed a partnership deal with Fullscreen.net. I’d love it if you guys could just do me a favor and go to http://www.youtube.com/user/BrilliantTwerkProd and subscribe. Once every two weeks I’ll upload a new episode of my webseries Clan of the Red Wolf, and in between I’ll offer a short cartoon or video that will probably be pretty stupid but VERY funny.
The last link I’m going to offer you today is a link to my Rifftrax presentation Doug’s Double Feature - Horror Express and Galaxy Invader. I haven’t been as active on Rifftrax over the last year, but I’m planning on unleashing a few more awesome ones like this in the near future.
Pft. Prometheus. Like, I’m totally sure. Gag me with a spoon.