Literal Albatross: A Thing by Doug Driesel Jr.

I’ve filled up a new page in my joke book. You know what that means: New Movie Reviews that Miss the Point! New ones are in bold.

500 Days of Summer - I like Ringo Starr, too. That guy from Inception was wrong.
Aliens - Vagina.
Astro Boy - A whole lot of people sure did die.
Barbarella - That’s a lot of really crappy chroma key.
Beyond Thunderdome - That’s not how you pronounce ‘gasoline.’
Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure - That’s not how time travel works.
Blitz – With a name like that, they could have thwarted him with a bunch of balloons.
Body Troopers - I’m not sure this movie is medically accurate.
Brewster’s Millions - I would also like to choke Rick Moranis.
Bridesmaids - I really felt the total lack of Ken Jeong penis.
Cool World - If the only law is no having sex with real people, then why do they have all those popples?
Cutthroat Island - Totally works without sound and a drunk guy yelling about birds next to me at the bar.
Dance of the Dead - Holy shit! I just watched a movie about a zombie prom!
Dante’s Inferno - Boy, those puppets really don’t like watching puppet shows.
Dawn of the Dead (1978) – That bandito must have had a SEVERE blood pressure problem.
Daybreakers - Since when do heart monitoring wires not melt?
Dead and Breakfast - Hey, a Cyrus Lupo severed head puppet!
Dead Snow - With all those Nazi Zombies around, how did that cabin get built?
Devil - M. is a stupid first name.
Dinner for Schmucks - I might have missed it, but did anyone say ‘schmuck?’
Doghouse - Hey, that’s the kind of razor I use!
Drive Angry - Actually, an upside-down pentagram is for protection.
Due Date - I should probably go to the bathroom.
Easy A - Really? All that over the word ‘twat?’
Escape from New York - Isn’t that what Broadway looks like now?
eXistenZ – I bet that thing plays a wicked version of Goldeneye.
The Fantastic Mr. Fox - Foxes dance weird.
Fantastic Voyage - Did Michael Myers escape into that guy’s body?
Fierce Creatures – I really liked A Fish Called Wanda.
Freaked - There are a lot of white, English speakers in South America.
From Paris with Love – Oh. I get it. It’s like that thing he said in Pulp Fiction.
Get Low - Duvall said “get low” in the movie.
The Good, The Bad, The Weird - Everything I know about South Korea I learned from this movie. And the homeless guy at the buss station.
The Green Hornet - Don’t go dragging Digital Underground into this!
Hell Comes to Frogtown – This movie was aptly named.
Hellraiser: Bloodline – Wait, Ben from Parks and Rec is an ageless murderer?
Highlander - I didn’t know Ramirez was a Scotch/Egyptian name.
The Horde - Why are so many zombies flocking to the projects? Are they applying for HUD?
H.O.T.S. - I’m still not entirely sure why they call him “Mad Dog Slate.”
I Am Comic - Is Carlos Mencia challenging me?
Julie & Julia - Why did I watch this movie? It’s not bad. It’s just…what was I thinking?
Justice League: Crisis on Two Earths - Somewhere, there’s a universe where I don’t hate Crocs.
Kindergarten Cop - It’s probably not a tumor.
Land of the Dead - I guess those pies didn’t work, zombie Ted Savini, did they?
Lawnmower Man 2 - Am I watching Highlander 2: The Tron-a-ning?
Legion - Caleb Temple?
The Long Goodbye – Oh, when I mumble to myself, I seem crazy.
The Long Kiss Goodnight - Geena Davis has a filthy mouth.
The Losers - It’s a bit much.
Machete - Why do they keep pronouncing it that way?
Mad Max - That leg is going to get infected.
Malice in Wonderland - I’m shocked that they inserted an underlying drug theme into Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland.
Night Watch – That was a great episode of Buffy.
Night of the Comet – That guy sure likes to play dress-up.
Nightmares of Red, White and Blue – Wait, Misery came out in 1990?
The Other Guys - I like the Little River Band.
Paranormal Activity - I think that psychic might have been kind of gay.
The Perfect Host – I smell a sequel.
Princess of Mars (The Asylum) - The 1st assistant director is Glen Miller, but not the one you’re thinking of.
Repo Man - Black Flag sucks.
Resident Evil: Afterlife - I could never afford one of those watches.
Revolver - Why am I suddenly furious at Kabbalah?
Road Warrior - Where did they get all those feathers?
Rocky Horror Picture Show - Was that Nixon?
The Shadow - Lamont Cranston probably laughs so much because he hangs out with Peter Boyle and Jonathon Winters all the time.
Shaun of the Dead - He’s not going to be able to get the red out of that shirt.
Smokin’ Aces 2: Assassin’s Ball - I bet they get better actors to work in the next part of the story.
So I Married an Axe Murderer - You know what? There she does go again.
Southland Tales – What if said pimp were manic depressive?
Starship Troopers - Amy Smart stars in the worst prequel to Super Troopers imaginable.
Strange Days - Not a single person mentioned the Y2K virus.
The Ten – I want to have Gretchen Mol’s baby.
The Thing - They could have identified the alien if Keith David would have just PUT ON THE GLASSES!
This Film is Not Yet Rated - I bet it got an NC-17 rating because his last name is ‘Dick.’
Thor - I bet that 7-Eleven had some stale-ass nachos.
Trollhunter - These troll rules seem arbitrary.
True Grit - I saw his other eye when he was lying in that bed!
Twilight Zone: The Movie - I could go for some corn.
Videodrome – This sure was a round-about way of saying, “Beware the coming of Snookie.”
Where the Buffalo Roam – Toby McGuire looked fat in this movie.